Putting Humpty Dumpty Back Together Again

It all began in my early forties.  One day I woke up, reached for the newspaper and realized the type was all fuzzy.  Blinking didn't help.  Having had Lasik in 2001, I was accustomed to crystal clear vision, and I rushed off to my eye doctor, who assured me that this was just part of the natural aging process. 

And so the not-so-slow descent into middle age began, complete with a set of "readers" in every room of the house. 

But then a good thing happened in my early forties when my husband and I both quit smoking.  No longer a slave to the evil demon of nicotine, I began to notice how good food really tasted, and subsequently ate everything that couldn't run away from me. 

One year and twenty pounds later, I decided it was time to make some changes.  I joined a women's fitness boot camp, shed eighteen pounds and felt stronger than I had in a long time. 

I also had a weird pain in my lower back and left hip, so off to the chiropractor I went.  Several adjustments and xrays later, I was diagnosed with spondylolisthesis, which is medical speak for "one of your discs is poking out and aggravating a nerve. It's chronic so just learn to deal with it." 

Undaunted, I drove each morning to boot camp with an icepack down the back of my pants and continued my journey into fitness.  All went well until that fateful morning in April, when I tore a calf muscle doing a move I had done a hundred times before. 

What the heck?  Here I was in better shape than I had been in a long time, and yet things were falling apart!  But my calf eventually healed, I learned to live with my hip, and life went on. 

Until that morning I went to pick up my coffee cup, and a searing pain shot all the way to my elbow.  Yep, tendonitis, also known as "tennis elbow."  Seeing as how I don't play tennis, I found this wildly unfair.  But an unflattering elbow brace and two cortisone shots later, and I was as good as new.  

I learned to expect the various aches and pains that seemed to be settling in, but I was dealing with it, and I continued to exercise on a regular basis, walking fifteen miles a week, doing a little light weightlifting, and staying in shape. 

Then came the decidedly unflattering middle age affliction known as the bunion.  You guessed it.  Foot surgery!  I now sport a lifelong reminder of the day my bunion and I parted ways, and I swear my big toe can predict when it's going to rain. 

But it's all good.  A little rest and I was able to hobble off to my dermatologist, who removed some odd-looking (yet thankfully harmless) spots on my leg (sun damage) and then I went back to my workout routine. 

I discovered cardio kickboxing, lost a little more weight, and really toned up.  Sure I was a little sore, but hey, no pain no gain, right? 

And then came the battle of the mole tunnels.  In a vain effort to discourage the little varmints from destroying what was left of my garden, I began stomping in their tunnels.  Though no harm should have come from this (except to the moles), I made the mistake of stomping backwards and stomped myself right off of my retaining wall. 

The result?  Moles: one, Kim: one broken thumb.  The orthopedist assured me it would eventually heal if I took it easy at the gym for four weeks, although it would probably always be a bit swollen and hurt due to the amount of arthritis that showed up on the x-rays!

So I behaved myself, my thumb healed and back to the gym I went.  Only now I was having to modify certain exercises due to that uber-sexy middle aged affliction known as hammer toe.

That's right you guessed it.  More foot surgery.  Thanks, Dad, you couldn't have given me your long legs or your height; instead I inherited your weird feet gene.   Luckily for me, though, I haven't had much time to dwell on it, since I got in a car accident four weeks ago and have been undergoing thrice-weekly chiropractic visits for whiplash.

Yep, middle age is NOT for sissies, and it certainly helps to have a sense of humor as you move from one "affliction" to another!

So to my team of medical professionals, thanks for putting this Humpty Dumpty back together again...over and over and over!  While I appreciate each and every one of you, I hope we don't see each other for awhile...

Speaking of seeing, now where did I put my readers?