The Evolution of Friendships

Even as a young child, I was a bit of a loner. My mom would realize that she hadn't seen me for hours, but I was playing contentedly alone in my room. Barbies, dolls, even fashioning a board game where I could play solo could entertain me for hours. Having twin sisters two years older, I was often the odd-man-out and playing by myself was the norm for me.

Certainly I have had several friends over the years, but I am constantly struck by the ebb and flow of friendships. When I hear of friendships spanning 40 and 50 years (or longer), it makes me a little sad. While I still have a group of really strong friendships spanning 25 years since college graduation--Rachel, Karen, Robin, Donata and Laura--I miss the friendships that I thought would last for a lifetime, but did not survive.

There is a saying that friendships are either for a reason, a season or a lifetime. Unfortunately, the older I get, the more my friendships seem to fall into a 'season or reason'. Sometimes it has been a due to life circumstances: Marriages, divorces, child rearing, careers. I have found that some of my friends only needed me for a season (often when they were without a spouse) and once they were married, maintaining my friendship was no longer a priority. As a seasoned married person, I understand the new-ness of relationships and the new-ness of marriage is an exciting time. I gladly give my friends space and time to really bond with their new life partner. But when they no longer return my phone calls or accept social invitations, then it's hard to accept that most likely it's the end of that relationship. Some people might refer to them as 'fair weathered friends'.  I try not take it personally, although sometimes I can wallow in the loss. I'm just being real.

But I've also seen them wither when our lives have taken a dramatic turn away from what used to be commonalities--such as going away to college, getting married and having children. Even me becoming a stay-at-home mom has separated me from my career-focused friends--ever causing a rift in the common threads that kept us bonded earlier in our lives.  Even religious differences have made keeping lifetime friends more of a challenge because my Christianity is a large part of who I am, and I naturally gravitate to those who are like-minded. Not that it is impossible to stay friends when your lives have definitely taken different paths; but I do think it takes far more effort to find that common ground.

The most difficult loss in friendship for me occurred in the last 5 years. It was a slow disintegration that is all but gone now. And we had been the best of friends for over 20 years. Why this happened is not an easy question to answer. Honestly, there were hurtful words exchanged, unforgiveness and the inability to find that aforementioned common ground. Over the years, my life lead me in the direction of wife, mother, volunteer, and published writer and her life went a completely different road. I am still in the process of trying to find peace about all the circumstances that lead us to this place. Unfortunately, I will never find those answers. But I miss her.

My cousin Jenny shared with me that her best friend and (dis)maid of honor called her up one month after the wedding and said that they could no longer be friends. When Jenny inquired why, she was told that it was because Jenny had everything that she had ever wanted and she was jealous. Right or wrong, justified or not, at least there was closure.

Sometimes just finding a place of forgiveness of the friends we feel hurt us, betrayed us, or let us down is the only way to heal. We don't always get the answers we are seeking--and we find ourselves disappointed that another friendship 'bit the dust'. Realizing that we were part of that disintegration is part of the process when we need to extend that forgiveness to ourselves. Losing a friend is rarely all on the other person. We need to take our own personal responsibility in it where appropriate.

For me, I have redefined the word 'friend' and instead of always looking for the elusive answers as to why so many of my friendships have come and gone, I cherish the women (and a few men who are also friends with my husband) who ARE still in my life. Admittedly, I am more guarded and do not seek out my female friends as much in my life now than in my youth: Part natural course of life and partly by choice

My main focus is my husband, my children, my church home, my volunteer work--and of course, my writing-- first and foremost. My friends are the bonus part of my life. The icing on the cake, if you will.  I hope they will endure the test of time because I treasure each one. And I hope they also treasure me.