Navigating the Waters of the Traveling Spouse

I think back to my husband's first ever business trip back in 2006. It was a 3 1/2 week trip for a search and recovery of a plane that had crashed overseas. While I was concerned for the safety and welfare of my husband, I must admit that looking back, I realize I was pretty concerned about my own welfare, too.

Selfishly, I did not relish having two children ages 6 and under to care for by myself and moaned and groaned about that trip to anyone who would listen. I was hardly the supportive, devoted wife.

Now that nearly six years and dozens of short and long-term business trips have passed, I realize that my outlook and perspective has changed a lot. Not only do I take each trip in stride and rarely miss a beat, you might even say I look forward to his trips. I have learned to actually appreciate them.

For anyone who has a traveling spouse and cannot seem to cross from the dread to the appreciation, I think a lot of it has to do with expectation and deciding to look at the positives.

In the early stages of the regular traveling, it was an adjustment for me on every level. From single parenting, solo chauffeuring, helping with homework, and coping with all the day to day to-dos, it was overwhelming to know that Tony would be gone for long stretches of time.

I was it, the only parent, to take care of all the tasks that needed to be crossed off the proverbial list by day's end. Not working outside the home, I have not had the added burdens that comes with working full or part time. However, in the early stages of his traveling, that also meant that my young children were underfoot 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. No breaks for me.

As they have gotten older and are both of school age, that particular pressure has resolved itself with good old-fashioned time.

I've decided that if I can't stop the traveling then I need to learn to look at the perks:

The biggest one being less cooking, cleaning, and laundry. I don't know why just one less person makes a difference, but it really does. I go from about 8 loads of laundry a week down to about 4. My house also seems to stay cleaner, longer. Plus, I am less concerned about keeping our communal bathroom clean while he is gone. If I leave my makeup, hair dryer, or Chi straightener out on the counter, who cares? It's only me seeing it, right? But cooking less is my favorite. On numerous occasions over the 14 years of marital bliss, Tony has commented on how much he appreciates me cooking most nights. And since I cook a wide variety of dishes, they are often leaning toward 'gourmet' rather than freezer to table.  However, when he is gone, I make a lot more kid-friendly meals, like tacos, BLTs, spaghetti (with jarred sauce!), eggs, tuna casserole--and plenty of freezer to table ready-made meals.  A break from cooking elaborate meals is a plus in my book.

My schedule is my own is another bonus.  Because I thrive on organization and schedule, I like my husband to come home to a clean, orderly home. But when he is gone, I am less stressed about the house being a 'warm, loving environment' for him to come home to. If I am having one of those days where i am running from here to there and come home late in the day, I am not under pressure to get the home in some sort of order to make the night go more smoothly.

I give myself permission to rest, relax and rejuvenate. I am not accountable for how much I accomplished during the day while I had 7 hours free from children and spouse. If I want to spend the day scrap-booking, watching movies, playing on the computer or generating a multitude of free-lance articles in one fell swoop, I am not judged--because nobody has to know! We ALL need those lazy days and I love the opportunity to have those days every now and again, without it impacting the evening.  There is no raised eyebrow where my husband might say, "Soooo...what did you do today?" as he surveys the house and realized that my answer is pretty much "Nothing".

The demands of single parenting can leave me pretty exhausted by the end of the night, though. So another advantage to being spouse free is that I am free to be as tired as I want, without anyone asking more of me once the kiddos are asleep. I've been known to go to bed shortly after my kids, or stay up hours later to have 'me time'. instead of having to make 'us time'. I love my husband but sometimes I am so tired that I just want to be left alone, and he has a whole other thought in mind. "Nuff said?

But there is one great part of having a traveling spouse that I have saved until last: Greater appreciation of them and actually having the opportunity to miss them. In a world of throw-away marriages, too much face time can be harmful to a union. But having time apart allows you to cherish all the wonderful qualities you love about them and actually look forward to seeing them again. And that is one perk that might be under-appreciated but the most important!