How to Help a Friend in Crisis

There is nothing like a personal crisis, or even a milestone celebration, to measure the depth of a friendship. Recently, my husband returned from an overseas business trip, which was less business and more medical crisis.

It was after that first phone call just one week after school resumed from nearly 8,000 miles away when he said "I'm in the hospital." that left me pondering, "What next? Who do I call?"  Family is the easy answer. I'm fortunate that all my family and my husband's family live within a 30 mile radius. Calling family was the no-brainer. I reached out to his sister first, who happens to be in the nursing field.

Beyond family, it was taking inventory of friendships. Crisis moments are where the rubber hits the road in friendships. You can quickly determine who is truly there for you and who is a fair-weather friend.

Being a woman of faith, I contacted the women I knew intimately from my two Moms-in-Touch prayer groups. Prayer intercession was goal number one. The reality is that despite my husband's precarious medical status, I had little to no control over what was happening there and still had my family and responsibilities to take care of here.

Knowing these prayer warrior women had my back removed an enormous load off my heart. I knew that if they said they would pray for me and my husband, they would. Their prayers of support kept me spiritually grounded and accountable for how I would react to each set back and the emotional highs and lows I experienced.

Beyond prayer, I received an abundance of e-mails and phone calls as word spread quickly that my husband's health crisis was serious. Most of the sentiments included "Let me know if there is anything I can do for you." That is where it got difficult for me.

School was underway and I had parent meetings and new school orientations--a son who was struggling with the transition from elementary to middle school. Plus, I had a young daughter who did not clearly understand the seriousness of her dad's hospitalization and just wanted her nightly routine of dinner, bath and reading books together.

Now that my husband is safely home and life has returned to its 'new normal', I have suggestions of how you can turn "Let me know if  there is something I can do for you" into a more proactive, helpful action. Because honestly, in the moment, it is hard to know what to ask for or to even have clarity of what I needed. And on the flip side, most people probably do not know what actions would be most helpful or appreciative.

Meals With the 14 hour time change, our dinner time is when I would be getting the greatest volume of e-mail and phone call updates from my husband and his team of doctors and co-workers. It was also the time when my kids were needing my attention, homework to be done, extra curricular activities and the many back-to-school meetings. Officially,it was the craziest part of my day. Finding time to cook was stressful, but obviously fell under the 'must-do' category. Not that every night was gourmet, but it needed to be nutritious, which became more a challenge day by day. Had a few friends offered to bring us dinner, or even a gift card to a local restaurant, this would have relieved a lot of this burden. Fortunately, I had stocked up on a lot of quick meals from the store that I could either microwave or bake. Certainly not as healthy as home-cooked, but better than eating at McDonald's every night.

Yard Work Fortunately, this hot and dry end of summer meant that our grass was not growing at any significant rate. Still, if you have knowledge that the person who normally does the yard work is incapacitated for an extended period of time, offer to help mow once or twice (or your spouse, teenager, or other responsible person). Better yet, do it without asking. That is twice the blessing. And most people will offer you money for it after the fact. Even though my husband is home now, our next door neighbor has offered to mow for us this week after the rain stops. I'm grateful.

Babysitting/Play Dates  Again working in my favor was the fact that both my kids were in school full-days. That reduced a lot of my stress during the day. But if you have kids the same age and have some free time for your kids to invite a friend over in the evening or on weekends, extend the invitation. It is a simple gesture that helps both child and parent. Being a single parent 24/7 is stressful; but having a partner in serious condition literally continents away made it that much more stressful. Despite doing my best, I was often short-tempered or distracted in the evening; definitely not the best parenting.

Honey-Do's  Just a few days after my husband left on his business trip, our baby gate that keeps our dog from going upstairs became unhinged. Day after day it became an increasing irritation for me. Our handy-man friend Dan came over to fix it for me one afternoon. One simple act of kindness removed an enormous burden from me. I had become fixated on this one irritation, not wanting my husband to have to worry about it when he got home. After fixing it, I joked with Dan that each time we successfully opened and closed the gate, angels were singing the Hallelujah chorus from up above. It really meant that much to me.

This two week 'crisis' made me really look at my life and take inventory of who and what was really important. My sister-in-law Holly was often my go-to medical confirmation; my sister Pam listened patiently at my frustrations as she worked out with me at our gym; my friend Molly counselled me with love and took me to lunch one day; Kim picked up my son from his sports practice one night, even when it wasn't the most convenient day or time; Karen became my friend on whose shoulder I cried on and offered us a meal; Dan reached out in a tangible "Mr. Fix-It" kind of way; and my dad treated us out to dinner one night to escape from the chaos that had been our lives for what felt like an eternity.

Countless other family and friends prayed for our family and kept in regular contact with me--not being offended if I wasn't up for talking or explaining. Just being there in silent support. None of it went unnoticed or unappreciated.

So the next time you get a phone call with a friend in crisis, what will your response be? I know this experience changed my perspective. But did it change yours?