Moms Talk: Appropriate Age to Sleep at a Friend's House

Town and Country-Manchester Patch invites you and your circle of friends to help build a community of support for parents and their families here in Town and Country and Manchester.

Each week in Moms Talk, our Moms Council of local parents takes your questions, gives advice and shares solutions.

Moms, dads, grandparents and the diverse families who make up our community will be a new resource for questions about local neighborhood schools, the best pediatricians, 24-hour pharmacies and the thousands of other issues that arise while raising children.

Moms Talk will also be the place to drop in for a talk about the latest parenting hot topic. Do you know of local moms raising their children in the Tiger Mother's way, and is it the best way? Where can we get information on local flu shot clinics for children? How do we talk to our children about the Tucson, AZ shootings? How can we help our children's schools weather their budget cutbacks?

So grab a cup of coffee and settle in as we start the conversation with today's question.

Question:

What is the appropriate age to start allowing my kids to sleep at a friend's house?

Moms Council Answers/Advice:

Our rule was that our children should wait until they were 8. Once they each turned eight, they got to invite a friend for their first sleepover at our house. When they handled it well, we knew they were ready to go to someone else's house. We made sure the parents were people we knew very well and trusted.

-Carrie Wing, mother of two, Manchester

I think it depends on how well you know the family and if your child would be capable of sleeping overnight away from home. My daughter has been asked to spend the night at a friend's house twice, and she was not allowed to go either time because we did not know the parents well, and she still wakes up in the middle of the night at our house. So, if we know the family well and our children can sleep through the night, we have told our kids that we would consider it by the age of 8 or 9.

-Amy Murphy, mother of two, Manchester

This such a subjective answer depending on the nature of your child. If your children have no separation anxiety and are really begging to sleep over, then they are probably ready. If you are unsure that they are ready, they probably aren't. What you can do is encourage a 'sleep under' at a friend's house. They would still bring pajamas and enjoy an extended evening playdate, with a pickup time that is later than normal. At a determined time (9 or 10 p.m., for example), then you pick up your child to sleep in their own bed. It gives them a little experience of having a sleepover without worrying about them being scared and needing to come home in the middle of the night.

-Bonnie Krueger, mother of two, Manchester

Letting your child have a sleepover at another child's home depends on the child. With each of our three kids it was different, and I can say that it happened much sooner with the girls than it did with our son. I don't know if that is because girls gravitate toward slumber parties or not. I would say that 6 years old is about the youngest that I would let a kid attend a sleepover. They have already been through kindergarten and should be over any type of separation anxiety, can get up and go to the bathroom by themselves and can get themselves ready for bed. We have had countless sleepovers at our house, and I can tell you that sleep is not really on the agenda too often. Whether or not your child can handle being up late and playing nicely also should figure into the equation.   

The bottom line is the parents are probably more nervous about letting their child spend the night some where else than the child is.  

-Tim Poorman, father of three, Ballwin

Eight seems like an approprate age. Children understand right from wrong, and that there will be consequences for their actions by age 8. By second grade, they have obtained some social skills and know that they will see Mom and Dad the following day. If you are thinking about an earlier age, the host parents should be old friends who are familiar with your philosophy regarding food, movies, bedtime, and discipline. 

-Donna Buehne, teacher, mother of two, Town and Country

If you have a question you'd like addressed by the Moms Council simply e-mail them to Gabrielle.Biondo@Patch.com.